Hondo's Newspaper plays


October 31, 2008

Hondo, who struggled to a 7-6-1 record last week, was caught by Miss Charleen, the perennial Women's Division champette. But don't worry about Mr. Aitch; save your sympathy for the eight also-rans looking up at the leaders.

Giants over Cowboys: Plaxico admitted this week that he has made mistakes and said he's "the first one to look myself in the mirror and be honest with myself." More likely the last. The only reason Plaxico looks in the mirror is to make sure his baseball hat is on crooked.

Jets over Bills: According to an up-to-the-minute Bettor's Guide poll, 98 percent of long-suffering Jet fans believe Favre will throw a late interception to kill a comeback that was made necessary by several previous interceptions. But that doesn't mean Gang GreenNew York Jets can't beat the number.

Vikings over Texans: Obama's infomercial opened with him speaking earnestly in what looked like his home office. It would have been nice if Tony Rezko could have watched, since he helped Barack finance the place before heading off to jail on bribery and fraud convictions.

Jaguars over Bengals: So as Hondo understood the infomercial, if Obama is elected, you get the redistribution of wealth, the tax cut, the cheaper fuel and the universal health care. But if you don't want any one of those, you can trade it in for either a free set of Ginsu knives or a Pocket Fisherman.

Chiefs over Buccaneers: NBC/MSNBC's glitzy election-night coverage will include a red-state, blue-state map of the U.S. embedded in the Rock Center ice rink. Word is that if Obama wins, the NBC chapter of Anchors for Obama, including Brokaw, Williams, Matthews, Maddow and Keith "Gasbag" Olbermann (aka Uberdork), will lace up and take a celebratory group skate, complete with toe loops, axels and salchows.

Browns over Ravens: Maddow, by the way, told GQ: "I'm a big lesbian who looks like a man. I am not, like, Anchor Babe." Thanks for clearing up all the confusion.

Rams over Cardinals: Cops arrested John Daly Sunday in a Hooters restaurant parking lot in Winston-Salem, N.C., supposedly because he was drunk. However, some say the manager was upset because customers were ignoring the girls and going outside to gawk at some even bigger attractions: John's hooters.

Lions over Bears: It was so noisy while Obama was campaigning with Bill Clinton Wednesday night in Florida that it was hard to tell whether Obama praised the ex-president for being "a great statesman" or "a great swordsman."

Packers over Titans: Madonna and husband Guy reportedly had behavior rules posted in their home, such as: Guy must "enrich his wife's emotional and spiritual well-being;" and Guy must "resolve conflicts in a constructive way." Now that Guy's out and A-Rod's in, there are some new rules posted, such as: A-RodAlex Rodriguez must stop being such a choke artist and learn to hit in the clutch late in the game.

Broncos over Dolphins: The Gallop Poll says Broncs.
Falcons over Raiders: If you're wondering why Larry King was pictured wearing one of those Viking hats at his son's football game, it was probably so he could turn it upside down in case he became incontinent.

Seahawks over Eagles: Prince Charles, speaking in Tokyo, says the economic crisis is temporary, but the climate crisis will have long-lasting effects unless something is done now. Settle down, Chuck. Just because one guy with big ears is getting worldwide attention doesn't mean anybody wants to hear from you.

Patriots over Colts: Manuel Uribe, alleged to be the world's fattest man at 660 pounds, was married recently in a flabulous ceremony. The bride insisted on only one stipulation in the prenup: No missionary position!

Redskins over Steelers: E-mailer E. Pugh summed up the Steelers' loss to the GiantsNew York Giants by borrowing from Joe Biden. "Three words: Safety and three interceptions." Hondo will settle for more of same Monday.

BEST BETS: Vikings, Browns, Redskins.

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